Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
