Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
we're so committed to being not committed
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
