just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
