i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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