Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
