u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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