Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
