this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
