I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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