My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
