Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
