nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
