I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
