yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
