Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
