I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
