I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
