Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Randomize
