why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
