so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
