just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
