did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize