they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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