I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
