I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
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