So drunk its hurt
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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