Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
