I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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