If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
