I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
