Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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