Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
where are my eyebrows?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
