They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
