Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
