My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize