Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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