Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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