Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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