My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize