I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
