Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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