In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
