I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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