i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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