farters have to be the big spoon...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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