Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
