i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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