'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
