My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
