THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
