I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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