So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
