Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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