don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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