I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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