Just took my morning after pill in the library
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
